Facing My Form & Frame

(I typed this up in June & finally have photos for it)

As many know, I'm very vocal about my health journey. I've podcasted it, I've YouTubed it and I've mentioned it a lot. Not to brag, though I do deserve it. This journey for me has been not about looks, but a lot of physical upgrades did come with it.

From my YouTube video The Body's Revenge documenting my journey

Not sexy at all, but in 2023 I was struggling a lot in my body. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune inflammatory issue, gastritis from my diet and lifestyle and a hernia. Super yikes! Prior to 2020, I'd never really had any actual health concerns. Some cellulite, some acne here or there. In 2015 though, I had a really rough go with over doing it with my fitness obsession and developed a really bad eating disorder with body dysmorphia. It began pretty harmless, cutting back, more time at the gym, more and more caffeine to keep up with a demanding modeling schedule and lots of FMTY trips with clients. I was almost 25 then and when I noticed the better treatment and attention even from close friends who knew I was going the unhealthy route, I became obsessed with having more. My fit "friends" had made a lot of fun of me prior to that for eating anything I wanted, keeping a casual gym routine and just enjoying being young..but fat. 

Pre eating disorder 2015 (the beginning stages)

Little did I know, the damage in my 20s would trigger something and be so long lasting into my 30s. My weight yo-yod, my sleep did too. My metabolism all but crashed and I felt the changes and saw once again the fickle nature of my clients and close friends. I never let that slow me down or halt any parts of my career. I wouldn't say that I've hidden my body, but my poses and choices of more flattering angles and clothing did a lot of work for me while sorting things out. The clients who saw me during that time still see me now and have always been perfectly wonderful. People who like me know how much I always like myself. My form & frame never change my relationship with my body or diminish my beauty & self love. 

The height of the disordered times, my most popular modeling shoots & when friends encouraged me to keep up unhealthy habits

After such wild news about my health & watching family members struggle after dismissing similar news decades ahead of me, I knew it couldn't be me. I decided to do my best to be my best (in a safe, non disordered way). 

I hired a nutritionist. I enrolled in yoga & Pilates. I got a health coach. I'm privileged that I have the means for these things, not everyone does. Being sick would cost more though. Since 2023 I've lost more than 50lbs. People said they hadn't noticed, I can see that they actually have (I'm not blind even though y'all are sweet). My breathing is better. My flare ups are minimal. My sleep is divine.

My haters think I'm photoshopped or Ai (huge compliments actually). People who haven't met me since 2010, 2015, 2020 or even a few years ago have some past version of me locked in, appealing or disgusting to them, I'm not sure. Some refuse to believe it's possible for me to go through any changes without some mystifying smoke and mirrors show. Others say they always feel I'm about the same. I don't let a skewed or outdated lens define the current place I'm in, that's my secret to success.

The athletic, one year old dog I adopted just days after hernia surgery like an insane person

I had hernia surgery in June. Adopted a very athletic dog to join me on hikes. Threw myself a meet & greet pool party in July. Graduated to a new level of Pilates. Got more flexibility and a firmer ass. Went from an XL to medium. Got lots of film roles & stage recognition. Re started therapy & journaling. Took up leisure reading again. Incorporated tea time into all of my afternoons. 

A shoot at my heaviest in fall 2023

I'm always pretty chilly now, I didn't miss that part. I'm very much dreading winter. I'm officially 15lbs away from the goal my nutritionist and doctors set for me. My plan has never been to be impossibly thin ever again. I want strength, flexibility, balance, good rest and no heartburn or inflammation flare ups. My body has always been about the shape it is. In middle school at 67 pounds, my thighs touched (people have commented that I have no thigh gap since I've been 12 haha). Even "slim" or "fit" I'm toned with soft, ample curves. I'm happy with this & this is why I'm booked for the body I have. I was picked on for being mousy, not voluptuous enough, thick and not feminine enough as a teen. I solved that problem by getting implants to balance out the bottom half of me when I turned 20 (having big tits actually rocks haha)

I'm working hard, I'm proud of myself. I'm not thin or skinny but I'm better. I still consider cosmetic procedures now and then but you'll know if I decide on that. I'm healthy and embracing a lifelong journey of better health, overall. I'm not obsessed with goals, fitness or calories. I'm enjoying my grown up adult woman's body, I think you guys are too. 

Thank you to those who have stuck with me for more than a decade. Those who parted ways with me "outgrew me". Those who are joining me now. Those considering me & appreciating the view. Those who've encouraged me without comparing me to past versions of myself. Those who don't judge me for liking pizza with extra cheese. I adore all of you & hope to be acquaintances or more with more of you! 

Xoxo 

Your fun sized, proud milf in Atlanta